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Tuesday, September 09, 2008

On New Laptops

Don't get me wrong, I really love my new laptop. I love its videogame-ready graphics accelerator, its 2GB ram and 160 gb hard drive, multiple USB ports, widescreen and 3 hour battery life.

But, I really wanted a Mac.

And my new machine runs on Windows Vista.

So why didn't I get a Mac?

Well, it all boils down to cost. The price of two of the Acer Aspire laptops I bought (One for me, one for Angel, both tax deductible thanks to CONFRONT Magazine and my writing career) was still less than a new Macbook Pro. Add to that the fact we were given a copy of MS Office 2007 for Windows, it also meant we were saving a king's ransom on software.

Now, the laptop runs perfectly fine, and now that it's set up, it's terriffic. The problem was setting it up.

The usual tedium of first activation of a PC applied: about two hours of automated installation and setup, followed by the real sheer hell. The laptop refused to connect to my home-based wifi network, instead it kept connecting to every other wifi network in the fucking neighbourhood.

Basically, the struggle to get the laptop to connect to my wifi netowrk and not any other network went something like this:

Me: Stop connecting to the other networks.

Computer: But they're better!

Me: I want you to connect to MY network.

Computer: OK! Please restart me to make this network the default network!

Me(After restarting the computer): You're connecting to the other network again!

Computer: This network is better!

Me: IT'S NOT MY FUCKING NETWORK! MY MAIN COMPUTER ISN'T ON THIS NETWORK!

Computer: Okay! Just switch me over to the network you want me to use!

Me: Ok!

Computer: OK! Please restart me to make this network the default network!

Me: You BETTER make it the default network...FUCK! YOU ARE CONNECTING TO THE OTHER NETWORK AGAIN!

Computer: This network is better!

Me: FORGET THAT NETWORK! FORGET THE OTHER NETWORKS! FORGET ALL THE OTHER NETWORKS!

Computer: Okay! Please restart me to make this network the default network!

Me: FINALLY!

Computer: You can't connect to the internet from here!

Me: WHAT? Why...aren't...you...connecting...to...the...fucking...INTERNET?

Computer: You don't have permission on this network to connect to the internet. Here are some other networks! You can connect to the internet using THEM!

Me: GOD DAMMIT! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Computer: If you like, I can attempt to repair the wifi connectivity so you can connect to the internet using your default network.

Me: YES! PLEASE!

Computer: There is nothing to repair. This connection is working fine!

Me: For FUCK's sake! No it isn't!

Computer: Yes, it is!

Me: No, it isn't!

Computer: Yes, it is!

Me: NO! IT REALLY ISN'T!

Computer: Would you like to connect to the internet?

Me: Yes! Absolutely!

Computer: You are now on another network and connected to the internet!

Me: YOU SON OF A BITCH! FORGET THAT NETWORK! FORGET EVERY SINGLE NETWORK YOU HAVE!

Computer: Okay!

Me: Now, connect to MY network!

Computer: Your WHAT, now?

Me: My network,

Computer: What network?

Me: THIS network!

Computer: I don't see a network,

Me: It's right there!

Computer: That wi-fi thingie that you have connected to the other, obsolete computer? Is that what you want me to do?

Me: YES! Oh, God, please, YES!

Computer: THIS network over here is better! I'll connect to it, instead!

Me: NOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! O NOES! NO!

Computer: Okay.

Me:Just...connect...to...my...network...don't...even...LOOK...at...other...networks...

Computer: Even if they're BETTER?

Me: Even if they're better...even if they're the best network you've ever seen, even if the network is a direct pipeline into the greatest most important secrets in all the cosmos, even if the network is hard-wired into the back of God's head...even if the network entices you with shiny things...don't...connect...to...another...network...just...MINE!

Computer: Okay! You're now connected to the network. You're now on the internet! Wasn't that easy?

See, now that that's over with, the computer actually works fine. When I go to the cafe, I can connect to Ile Sans File without problem, when I come back home it connects to the home network...but the setup was such a pain in the ass...SUCH a pain in the ass that I'd rather suffer through a proctological exam than do it again.

The writing is marvellous again; I'm almost through The Darkness and the Stars, I'm slating other projects, I've all my music stored on the laptop...simply dreamy!

But, next time, I want to get a Mac.

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